Getting Back in?

I had a seizure after 5 years of being seizure free, shit happens right?  We move on or do we, I like to say “I am strong I can do this, no big deal” but that would be a lie, a lie I have told myself time and time again after a seizure.

I had my seizure at swim practice and it was scary, scary in a way that I don’t even want to think about it but I have to find a way to move past it otherwise I will be stuck and I may lose something I love swimming, a place a feel at peace.  A place I slip into the cool water and the quite envelopes me and it’s just me and the water nothing else.

My seizure began in the pool and as it did, I had such a deep fear that I could die, that I might not be able to get to the side and pull myself out in time.  I did seconds before I went into convulsions.  I returned to the pool two days later on Thursday nights practice to show the team that I was alive and kicking.  I laughed, smiled and hugged everyone but I stood at the edge of the pool just looking in.  I left telling everyone I would return on Sunday and as I said it, I wasn't sure I believed it myself. 

I met Mr. E in the lobby of the YMCA and walked to the car by the time I was in the car.  My chest had a gripping feeling that would not let go, I kept flashing to the feelings I felt that night at practice and I started to cry a bit.  I knew what this was and I simply wanted to shake the feeling.  This feeling was fear, frustration and anger at that very moment I knew my seizures had taken something I loved and turned it into something I feared.   My seizure disorder had done this to school, track, ultimate and now swimming.  Just like all the times before I would overcome it right?

Yesterday I went to the YMCA again and took a workout class and then walked to the pool.  I walked in and the feeling gripped me again tighter but I forced myself to walk to the edge of the pool where the seizure occurred.  I sat on the bench looked at the spot, looked at the pool and looked at the ladder I pulled myself up on.  I felt tears and that tight feeling rising in my chest.  I took a few deep breaths and then I left and knew no matter what. I was just going to have to jump feet first in at some point.

Today that day has arrived that I thought I would return to the pool and swim.  It has not even been a week since my seizure.  I had to be woken by Mr. E today to take my meds and then I just went back to bed and slept till noon.  My body is tired and I have that fearful feeling in my gut.  

I keep thinking. Am I just thinking up excuses of why not to go or maybe I just need a bit more time to rest.  It hasn't been a week but I always push myself and now is not the time for that.  I love swimming, it’s my peaceful place being surrounded by water be it in a pool or a lake I feel at home.  Being held by water gives me the feeling that the weight of the world is off my shoulders.  I can glide through the water, float freely and just be in the moment. I will rest the body and relax the mind.  Next Tuesday I will jump in feet first!!!!

The train took control

Yesterday while at swim practice I had a seizure, it has been nearly five years maybe more since I have had one.  I was in the middle of swimming 200 yards, I felt a little funny but it might just be because I was pushing myself.  As I neared the deep ended I realized that was not the case......

My right arm began to go limp as it does when I have a complex partial seizure, I made it to the ladder.  I thought if I could just pull myself out maybe it would pass with out much incident.  Boy was I wrong,  I ended up pulling myself out of the water with just my left arm and falling onto the cement.  I looked up from the ground and saw my coach running towards me asking if I was okay.  Is voice sounded a million miles away.  I slipped into the seizure without being able to say anything, I felt fear but as fast as it begin it was over.  I could hear someone say "I think she is having a seizure, does anyone know if she has seizures".  I had enough strength to tap my coach on the foot and he said "I think she is trying to say she does"...

I slowly came to and I began to sob and wail, it sounds like a deep guttural cry for help, like an animal.  It scares me so much and I am always unable to control it. One of my team mates along with my coach was kneeling next to me.  I fought  hard to come out of it and to speak.  I was able to get out I have a seizures for nearly 30 years an then talk to the paramedics on the phone and tell them not to come out.

Fifteen minutes later I was up and walking out along with my coach and team mate who drove me home.  My right side of my body was so weak and felt detached from my body, after the seizure I like my life spill out onto my teammate and I couldn't stop crying.

Today is another day my brain feels like mush, I am tired and  overwhelmed with life.  Once again the train inside me awoke and I lost control and its the way it is.  I rode it out, survived and I am moving on.

I am scared having a seizure in the water has never happened.  I am proud I got myself out, I had enough wits about me to say " I am not going to let a lifeguard rescue me.  What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

Out of Character

If you had asked me 6 months ago, if I would be sitting outside by a pool in Austin Texas at 3:30 a.m. unemployed and feeling more free than possible, sure of what I didn't want but a little bit more sure of what I think I do.  I would have thought you were crazy.

Because as I sit here I think I am full-blown cray cray as my mother says.  Two days ago I quit my job with no notice.  I was having a sit down with my supervisor and I just couldn't sit there and be talked to like I was someone to be controlled and told what to do.  I had been listening to this kind of talk for six months from many different people and well….At that moment I said “I am done” I said it just like that and boss says “what does that mean”? and I said “ I am no longer going to work here, thank you for all that you have done, I quit”.  There is so much to that story and so many situations that brought it to this boiling over point, times of me speaking my mind but this isn't about he said she said blah blah.  It’s about me, my realization, my understand of who I am, what I don’t want and the life path I am, and realizing that not all paths I start on end the way I planned.

At that moment on Monday afternoon I left that tiny cubicle in that stuffy building and walked out into the warm sun.  I cried and in that moment I had clarity of what I had done.  I walked away from my only income, health insurance and security of sorts.  Then I began playing an old record in my head about failing but then stopped and realized I didn't fail I did something different I did something out of character, something not in my nature.  I ended something that was unhealthy for me, that wasn't feeding my soul and I ended something that was creating extreme unhappiness for me.

I drove home knowing full well I would have to face my husband and tell him.  I opened the apartment door snot in my face red blurry eyes and a 7 lb bag of rice in my arms unable to say only one thing “I am sorry”. Ohh the rice it had its purpose in the rush of cleaning out my office I spilled water into my purse and my cell phone got soaked, so target was my first stop to save my life line. 

Mr. E handled it pretty good at first it was rough.  But I know him and he needed time to process he went to a meeting and came back the man I know in love.  I know he is still a bit pissed and he is allowed that and disappointed in me but I won’t take that on.  I know everything happens for a reason and I am okay with all of this and how it’s unfolding because……..

When I sat in that Target parking lot with my bag of rice and jacked up phone I had a moment.  I thought is this how writers, artists, business people and anyone who starts something and doesn't finish feels?  That’s when I thought of all the greats of the world not finishing doesn't equal failure it’s only an opportunity for something better to come along.  This job isn't it, I am still an amazing person with gifts and I desire to give and make a difference and the position I left, it didn't leave me empty handed.  I gained office experience to training's about health care and social services I came out a more knowledgeable person. 

Life gives us so many opportunities we just need to be open.  I am on my next great adventure, going about it in a way I never have.