Out of Character

If you had asked me 6 months ago, if I would be sitting outside by a pool in Austin Texas at 3:30 a.m. unemployed and feeling more free than possible, sure of what I didn't want but a little bit more sure of what I think I do.  I would have thought you were crazy.

Because as I sit here I think I am full-blown cray cray as my mother says.  Two days ago I quit my job with no notice.  I was having a sit down with my supervisor and I just couldn't sit there and be talked to like I was someone to be controlled and told what to do.  I had been listening to this kind of talk for six months from many different people and well….At that moment I said “I am done” I said it just like that and boss says “what does that mean”? and I said “ I am no longer going to work here, thank you for all that you have done, I quit”.  There is so much to that story and so many situations that brought it to this boiling over point, times of me speaking my mind but this isn't about he said she said blah blah.  It’s about me, my realization, my understand of who I am, what I don’t want and the life path I am, and realizing that not all paths I start on end the way I planned.

At that moment on Monday afternoon I left that tiny cubicle in that stuffy building and walked out into the warm sun.  I cried and in that moment I had clarity of what I had done.  I walked away from my only income, health insurance and security of sorts.  Then I began playing an old record in my head about failing but then stopped and realized I didn't fail I did something different I did something out of character, something not in my nature.  I ended something that was unhealthy for me, that wasn't feeding my soul and I ended something that was creating extreme unhappiness for me.

I drove home knowing full well I would have to face my husband and tell him.  I opened the apartment door snot in my face red blurry eyes and a 7 lb bag of rice in my arms unable to say only one thing “I am sorry”. Ohh the rice it had its purpose in the rush of cleaning out my office I spilled water into my purse and my cell phone got soaked, so target was my first stop to save my life line. 

Mr. E handled it pretty good at first it was rough.  But I know him and he needed time to process he went to a meeting and came back the man I know in love.  I know he is still a bit pissed and he is allowed that and disappointed in me but I won’t take that on.  I know everything happens for a reason and I am okay with all of this and how it’s unfolding because……..

When I sat in that Target parking lot with my bag of rice and jacked up phone I had a moment.  I thought is this how writers, artists, business people and anyone who starts something and doesn't finish feels?  That’s when I thought of all the greats of the world not finishing doesn't equal failure it’s only an opportunity for something better to come along.  This job isn't it, I am still an amazing person with gifts and I desire to give and make a difference and the position I left, it didn't leave me empty handed.  I gained office experience to training's about health care and social services I came out a more knowledgeable person. 

Life gives us so many opportunities we just need to be open.  I am on my next great adventure, going about it in a way I never have.