About Me

Unique the word used most to describe me in my high school yearbook, the word I frequently hear today in a sentence that says “you are unique and different than most people”.  ?  Speaking my mind more than most people, I am creative in appearance and spoken word, I am what I say I am, I live my truth and speak it and I don’t hold back.  What you see is what you get; I don’t try to be anything other then what I am.  I don’t lie, I speak honestly and tactfully.

I love life, I live it with passion and I strive for what fills me with happiness.  Physically active feeds my soul, I never wanted to grow up but life says otherwise.  I have the spirit of a child and a mind of a scholar.  I don’t give up but I do take breaks.

Getting Back in?

I had a seizure after 5 years of being seizure free, shit happens right?  We move on or do we, I like to say “I am strong I can do this, no big deal” but that would be a lie, a lie I have told myself time and time again after a seizure.

I had my seizure at swim practice and it was scary, scary in a way that I don’t even want to think about it but I have to find a way to move past it otherwise I will be stuck and I may lose something I love swimming, a place a feel at peace.  A place I slip into the cool water and the quite envelopes me and it’s just me and the water nothing else.

My seizure began in the pool and as it did, I had such a deep fear that I could die, that I might not be able to get to the side and pull myself out in time.  I did seconds before I went into convulsions.  I returned to the pool two days later on Thursday nights practice to show the team that I was alive and kicking.  I laughed, smiled and hugged everyone but I stood at the edge of the pool just looking in.  I left telling everyone I would return on Sunday and as I said it, I wasn't sure I believed it myself. 

I met Mr. E in the lobby of the YMCA and walked to the car by the time I was in the car.  My chest had a gripping feeling that would not let go, I kept flashing to the feelings I felt that night at practice and I started to cry a bit.  I knew what this was and I simply wanted to shake the feeling.  This feeling was fear, frustration and anger at that very moment I knew my seizures had taken something I loved and turned it into something I feared.   My seizure disorder had done this to school, track, ultimate and now swimming.  Just like all the times before I would overcome it right?

Yesterday I went to the YMCA again and took a workout class and then walked to the pool.  I walked in and the feeling gripped me again tighter but I forced myself to walk to the edge of the pool where the seizure occurred.  I sat on the bench looked at the spot, looked at the pool and looked at the ladder I pulled myself up on.  I felt tears and that tight feeling rising in my chest.  I took a few deep breaths and then I left and knew no matter what. I was just going to have to jump feet first in at some point.

Today that day has arrived that I thought I would return to the pool and swim.  It has not even been a week since my seizure.  I had to be woken by Mr. E today to take my meds and then I just went back to bed and slept till noon.  My body is tired and I have that fearful feeling in my gut.  

I keep thinking. Am I just thinking up excuses of why not to go or maybe I just need a bit more time to rest.  It hasn't been a week but I always push myself and now is not the time for that.  I love swimming, it’s my peaceful place being surrounded by water be it in a pool or a lake I feel at home.  Being held by water gives me the feeling that the weight of the world is off my shoulders.  I can glide through the water, float freely and just be in the moment. I will rest the body and relax the mind.  Next Tuesday I will jump in feet first!!!!

The train took control

Yesterday while at swim practice I had a seizure, it has been nearly five years maybe more since I have had one.  I was in the middle of swimming 200 yards, I felt a little funny but it might just be because I was pushing myself.  As I neared the deep ended I realized that was not the case......

My right arm began to go limp as it does when I have a complex partial seizure, I made it to the ladder.  I thought if I could just pull myself out maybe it would pass with out much incident.  Boy was I wrong,  I ended up pulling myself out of the water with just my left arm and falling onto the cement.  I looked up from the ground and saw my coach running towards me asking if I was okay.  Is voice sounded a million miles away.  I slipped into the seizure without being able to say anything, I felt fear but as fast as it begin it was over.  I could hear someone say "I think she is having a seizure, does anyone know if she has seizures".  I had enough strength to tap my coach on the foot and he said "I think she is trying to say she does"...

I slowly came to and I began to sob and wail, it sounds like a deep guttural cry for help, like an animal.  It scares me so much and I am always unable to control it. One of my team mates along with my coach was kneeling next to me.  I fought  hard to come out of it and to speak.  I was able to get out I have a seizures for nearly 30 years an then talk to the paramedics on the phone and tell them not to come out.

Fifteen minutes later I was up and walking out along with my coach and team mate who drove me home.  My right side of my body was so weak and felt detached from my body, after the seizure I like my life spill out onto my teammate and I couldn't stop crying.

Today is another day my brain feels like mush, I am tired and  overwhelmed with life.  Once again the train inside me awoke and I lost control and its the way it is.  I rode it out, survived and I am moving on.

I am scared having a seizure in the water has never happened.  I am proud I got myself out, I had enough wits about me to say " I am not going to let a lifeguard rescue me.  What doesn't kill me makes me stronger

Out of Character

If you had asked me 6 months ago, if I would be sitting outside by a pool in Austin Texas at 3:30 a.m. unemployed and feeling more free than possible, sure of what I didn't want but a little bit more sure of what I think I do.  I would have thought you were crazy.

Because as I sit here I think I am full-blown cray cray as my mother says.  Two days ago I quit my job with no notice.  I was having a sit down with my supervisor and I just couldn't sit there and be talked to like I was someone to be controlled and told what to do.  I had been listening to this kind of talk for six months from many different people and well….At that moment I said “I am done” I said it just like that and boss says “what does that mean”? and I said “ I am no longer going to work here, thank you for all that you have done, I quit”.  There is so much to that story and so many situations that brought it to this boiling over point, times of me speaking my mind but this isn't about he said she said blah blah.  It’s about me, my realization, my understand of who I am, what I don’t want and the life path I am, and realizing that not all paths I start on end the way I planned.

At that moment on Monday afternoon I left that tiny cubicle in that stuffy building and walked out into the warm sun.  I cried and in that moment I had clarity of what I had done.  I walked away from my only income, health insurance and security of sorts.  Then I began playing an old record in my head about failing but then stopped and realized I didn't fail I did something different I did something out of character, something not in my nature.  I ended something that was unhealthy for me, that wasn't feeding my soul and I ended something that was creating extreme unhappiness for me.

I drove home knowing full well I would have to face my husband and tell him.  I opened the apartment door snot in my face red blurry eyes and a 7 lb bag of rice in my arms unable to say only one thing “I am sorry”. Ohh the rice it had its purpose in the rush of cleaning out my office I spilled water into my purse and my cell phone got soaked, so target was my first stop to save my life line. 

Mr. E handled it pretty good at first it was rough.  But I know him and he needed time to process he went to a meeting and came back the man I know in love.  I know he is still a bit pissed and he is allowed that and disappointed in me but I won’t take that on.  I know everything happens for a reason and I am okay with all of this and how it’s unfolding because……..

When I sat in that Target parking lot with my bag of rice and jacked up phone I had a moment.  I thought is this how writers, artists, business people and anyone who starts something and doesn't finish feels?  That’s when I thought of all the greats of the world not finishing doesn't equal failure it’s only an opportunity for something better to come along.  This job isn't it, I am still an amazing person with gifts and I desire to give and make a difference and the position I left, it didn't leave me empty handed.  I gained office experience to training's about health care and social services I came out a more knowledgeable person. 

Life gives us so many opportunities we just need to be open.  I am on my next great adventure, going about it in a way I never have. 

I love a good Challenge

It has been way to long, since my last post, but I am not going to apologize because life has been happening and of course this blog is for me just to write when I feel like it.

So here I am typing away, so much has happened mostly with work and yes Mr. E finally made the move and is calling Austin home now.

Lets get back to work because this is the big change in my life, the bit I can't quite wrap my head around, the stress in my life, the excitement, the number one change and the greatest challenge in my life these days.  WORK!!! It helps pay the bills, its the place I spend most of my waking hours and well I love and I hate it.

I have been on the job training for a month now and this past week was a rough week.  I have kept my head down, keep my mouth shut, listened, observed and then I got frustrated and fed-up and the true me came out.

I made a trip to the big bosses office and told them, that this in house training was well "not going so well". (I said it in a different way but that about sums it up) I voiced my thoughts and feelings, frustrations and then I looked at the big boss and said "I am going home early today".  I learned at that moment I was no longer going to keep my head down or my mouth shut.  I am a person that was born to lead and to voice my opinion and this job is going to teach me how to navigate the politics of an office.  I have never been afraid to put myself out there and well I am not going to do it now.  I stood up for myself and others who felt the same way.  Deep down all I want to do, is the job I was hired to.  To get to doing my job  means speaking the truth, the truth others may not want to hear, well I am ready to do that.

I went home that day, I cried on the living room floor for quite some time, then crawled into bed and slept for 3 hours.  I am strong but this job pushing me to my breaking point.  I broke, but I am not broken.  I went back to work the next day and people know who I am now, what I am and what I will and won't put up with.  I showed vulnerability but I also stood up for myself and I can see that it was all a good thing.  I handled it professionally and now everyone one knows my name but that is the norm for me.

What isn't normal or in my nature is to sit by when things are wrong or people are being treated badly be in myself or others.  I am ready for this job and all that it can throw at me, this is the next challenge this is my greatest lesson "learning to work and deal with office politics".  

I'm going to learn to navigate bureaucracy, keep my friends close and my enemy's closer,  how to keep a level head, continue to practice effective communication and learn the in's and out of the programs offered to our citizens.

The best thing that you ever did

Now I am not going to quote this person because he maybe reading it but said person called on my birthday and we had an awesome talk.  We talked about life accomplishments and he said something like this or better yet let say this is my interpretation of it .....I said moving to Austin has been one of the greatest choices I ever made he said you know me and so and so think "you choosing to be with Eric is one of the best things you ever did"..

You see being the feminist that I am.... saying a man was one of the best things I did always feels wrong and as I write this I feel bad thinking it let alone writing it but that's the feminist in me.  I'm a hard core chick I don't need a man, I am gonna conquer the world......ARE YOU WITH ME!!! Okay reality is I am fiercely independent but being cared for is what makes me feel safe and I hate admitting it because I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!!

Serious now....

When I was told this (this being Eric)   I smiled and realized without Eric I really don't think I would have come as far as I have and done it so fast and with such ease.  He has been one of my greatest teachers, he continues to push me out of my comfort zone just enough so I can grow and stretch but always lets me know I can come back.  This summer I have stretched more than I ever thought possible and its all because he said "You can do this" "You are going to take care of us" "I am Proud of you" and this last statement he has said or sent in a text to me everyday since I packed up my car and drove to Texas.

With HIM my life is full of adventure and happiness, he is my greatest cheerleader and I don't believe any man could handle my strength like he does.  You see I am a lot to handle emotional, mentally and God knows what else but he does it and he loves me just as I am.  Even on the days I can't love myself and he sees potential in me when I have trouble seeing it myself. He brings out the best in me and makes the best in me shine.  Without Eric life would just be.....well I don't know....I just know its better with him in it...And I intend to keep it that way...

He is one of the best things I have ever done!!!  And I love him

Its been a long couple of years she said

Today when I asked someone how they have been they said "Its been a long couple years" this gave me pause because those six words spoke volumes.  It made my heart ache because it was as if she didn't know were to start or to even bother trying and I wasn't sure I wanted to hear it all.  It became a beautiful chat between her and I.

But it got me thinking of my last couple of years.......And what I think is how wonderful its been....work, struggle and accomplishment in these years I wouldn't be laying in bed writing a new blog, experiencing a new city and on a new career path.

Do we every take time as individuals to look back at the past couple of years and look at how far we have come or not come for that matter?  Do we take time to analyze our accomplishments and failures...I think if we did this more we could grow as individuals without asking others if we are going about something right or asking "is this what we should be doing"?.  Maybe we could stop looking outside ourselves for answers and embrace what we know to be out truth from the inside if we took a moment to really look at ourselves.

I have had so much time these past few months living alone to take a look at myself, to analyze my strengths my weaknesses and to look over the past couple years of my life.  And I know now that its only long if, it feels hard and its only hard when I made it hard.  Like all things its perspective and my defiantly is changing each and every year.