Getting Back in?

I had a seizure after 5 years of being seizure free, shit happens right?  We move on or do we, I like to say “I am strong I can do this, no big deal” but that would be a lie, a lie I have told myself time and time again after a seizure.

I had my seizure at swim practice and it was scary, scary in a way that I don’t even want to think about it but I have to find a way to move past it otherwise I will be stuck and I may lose something I love swimming, a place a feel at peace.  A place I slip into the cool water and the quite envelopes me and it’s just me and the water nothing else.

My seizure began in the pool and as it did, I had such a deep fear that I could die, that I might not be able to get to the side and pull myself out in time.  I did seconds before I went into convulsions.  I returned to the pool two days later on Thursday nights practice to show the team that I was alive and kicking.  I laughed, smiled and hugged everyone but I stood at the edge of the pool just looking in.  I left telling everyone I would return on Sunday and as I said it, I wasn't sure I believed it myself. 

I met Mr. E in the lobby of the YMCA and walked to the car by the time I was in the car.  My chest had a gripping feeling that would not let go, I kept flashing to the feelings I felt that night at practice and I started to cry a bit.  I knew what this was and I simply wanted to shake the feeling.  This feeling was fear, frustration and anger at that very moment I knew my seizures had taken something I loved and turned it into something I feared.   My seizure disorder had done this to school, track, ultimate and now swimming.  Just like all the times before I would overcome it right?

Yesterday I went to the YMCA again and took a workout class and then walked to the pool.  I walked in and the feeling gripped me again tighter but I forced myself to walk to the edge of the pool where the seizure occurred.  I sat on the bench looked at the spot, looked at the pool and looked at the ladder I pulled myself up on.  I felt tears and that tight feeling rising in my chest.  I took a few deep breaths and then I left and knew no matter what. I was just going to have to jump feet first in at some point.

Today that day has arrived that I thought I would return to the pool and swim.  It has not even been a week since my seizure.  I had to be woken by Mr. E today to take my meds and then I just went back to bed and slept till noon.  My body is tired and I have that fearful feeling in my gut.  

I keep thinking. Am I just thinking up excuses of why not to go or maybe I just need a bit more time to rest.  It hasn't been a week but I always push myself and now is not the time for that.  I love swimming, it’s my peaceful place being surrounded by water be it in a pool or a lake I feel at home.  Being held by water gives me the feeling that the weight of the world is off my shoulders.  I can glide through the water, float freely and just be in the moment. I will rest the body and relax the mind.  Next Tuesday I will jump in feet first!!!!